AMROU AL-KADHI
Even ants know I’m gay. It really is that obvious. I’ve been gay since I was a zygote, and I’ve only ever slept with men. I’ve had no other sexual desires, really. So, my recent attraction to women, and my urge to sleep with them, has taken me — and the ants — by complete surprise.
By the time you read this, I will have experienced my first threesome with a man and a woman. My sexual experience with women is deeply limited; I’ve never even seen a vagina up close, and I’m genuinely terrified I won’t be able to place where anything is. In fact, a lesbian friend took me out for dinner last night to explain how a vagina worked; she used the rigatoni pasta on her plate for visuals. I’ve explained my lack of experience to the bisexual couple in question (who I found on Feeld), and the woman in particular seems quite turned on by the notion. Part of the kink is her boyfriend instructing me on how to give her pleasure.
I feel like I’ve seen a great deal in the world and have led a full life so far, having sung love songs to Allah in drag in front of thousands of people — yet sleeping with a woman, despite the fact I was birthed and raised by a woman, feels like the most transgressive and queer thing I’m going to do. And I’m genuinely very excited by the prospect.
Which makes me question why I’m only now allowing this desire to surface? I think it has something to do with how big a deal being gay was in my family and community. For my Muslim parents and relatives, the idea of me being gay was a non-starter. I won’t go into it, but they really did do everything in their power to terrify me out of it. Obviously, that didn’t work — I dress up as a psychedelic lollipop for a living.
I was made to feel that it was such a profoundly big deal that to even question it could result in my extrication. And so, when I realised how strong my attraction was to men, and that I really was gay, I think I decided that I had to be gay all the way. Because if being a little gay would lead to my exile, then I might as well go full hog and do it properly.
