advice
Counsellor Kate Medlin answers your personal, sexual and emotional problems
Should I take on my troubled little brother?
Q I am the oldest of five. My parents were very young when they had me. Neither of them had regular work, so things were tough. They didn’t really know what they were doing. I was often left alone at night when they were out drinking – they thought I would stay asleep, but I would wake up alone and frightened. The first of the other four kids arrived 12 years later. By that time, my parents both had steady jobs, so money wasn’t an issue, but I was expected to be a third parent. My siblings have had a very different childhood to me. My parents didn’t like to say “no” to them so they expect everything to be handed to them on a plate. I left home as soon as I could and have a place of my own. I struggle with my mental health, but my parents don’t seem to believe me. They’ve asked if my youngest brother can come and live with me because he’s getting into all sorts of trouble, skipping school, hanging out with a bad crowd and they want me to sort him out. Although I want to help my brother, a part of me doesn’t think this is my role. Am I being unfair?
A You were asked to take on the responsibilities of a parent when you were still a child yourself. And on top of this heavy weight of responsibility, you didn’t get what you needed. Your own childhood felt unpredictable, unreliable. You weren’t given what you needed to feel safe. A plant can only grow big and strong if the conditions are good enough. The message they communicated to you was that their needs mattered more than yours, more than keeping you safe. I’m not saying this was intentional, or malicious, that they did it on purpose to hurt you, but the impact on you was the same either way. You were left with the belief that you didn’t matter. And it seems that according to how they view your mental health struggles, this is still the case. When it comes to taking care of your siblings, you were effectively being asked to provide your younger siblings with something that you had never received yourself. And now, your parents are clearly stating, both to you and to your brother, that they are not capable of managing his issues and expecting you to clear up the mess they’ve created. Your brother isn’t your responsibility, he’s theirs. You have been through so much, and it’s time for you to take care of yourself. Otherwise, you’re just repeating the same pattern as your parents – to put your needs in last place. Find a therapist (counselling-directory.org.uk) and give yourself what wa
