advice
Counsellor Kate Medlin answers your personal, sexual and emotional problems
My son is doing too much!
Q My son and his wife have two children under 10. My daughter-in-law is a lovely girl at times. She has been diagnosed with ME, amongst other things, and, whilst I sympathise, I do feel she is taking advantage of my son, and me. I am part of the childcare system and sometimes feel she is palming the boys off on me because she can’t be bothered. My son has a stressful job, and when he is home, he has to be mum and dad because she needs to “sleep”. Amazingly, she can always find the energy to socialise and go shopping. My husband and I are both worried about our son. He doesn’t seem to get any time for himself and is the only parent to discipline the boys. I feel they are not working together as parents. It can’t go on like this, but what can I do? I also feel the boys are missing out on their mum’s attention.
AHas your son spoken to you about this situation? Does he feel the same frustrations as you? When it comes to other people’s relationships, even if it’s your own child’s, it can be tempting to make assumptions about what’s going on when we look at them from the outside. Especially if it doesn’t match up to the way we run our own relationship. Perhaps the roles were more clearly defined in your own marriage and therefore it seems wrong that your son is doing so much more than just going to work? I do understand that it must be frustrating for you to watch from the sidelines and feel that your grandsons aren’t getting what they need from their mother. But it really does take a village to raise a child, so don’t underestimate the important role that you’re playing in the children’s lives. If you wish to, you could ask your son how he’s doing, perhaps express your concern, and see how he responds. This may give him an invitation to express his own feelings and it could be useful for him to have you as a shoulder to cry on. However, even if he does complain about his situation, do not join in! Stay neutral, despite how much you might want to add your own views into the mix. You can discuss it as much as you like with your husband, but you may push your son away if he feels that you’re judging his wife. It’s up to you how much childcare you offer. Just focus on whether you want to spend time with your grandsons as opposed to wondering what your daughter-in-law is up to.
Should I reveal the dark truth?
Q My dad took his own life when my sister and I were kids. I’m the eldest. My mum hid a lot of her depression from my sister, but I saw her at her worst. We weren’t told how he died – it was all a big mystery. However
