TRUE LIFE
I fell in love with Amber again, and again, and again…
Andrea Catherine, 26
Opening TikTok, my tummy flipped as the familiar face popped up on my phone. Mesmerised, I watched Amber, then 28, crack jokes, chatting about their life.
It was February 2020, and I’d followed Amber’s account for a few weeks.
Their love of ballet, their courage living with an eating disorder.
I admired Amber from afar.
While they lived in New Zealand, I was 13,500 miles away in Canada, working as a dental assistant.
Then, in January 2021, I commented on one of Amber’s videos.
Soon I was chatting to Amber during their live streams.
‘How’s your day going?’ I’d ask.
My heart hammered whenever I got a reply.
‘We have dissociative identity disorder,’ Amber said during one stream, explaining that they had multiple identities, so referred to themselves as ‘we’.
I admired their honesty. Soon, I slid into Amber’s DMs and over months we built a beautiful friendship.
Bonded over our love of Squishmallow teddies and messaging non-stop.
When Amber’s eating disorder resulted in a month-long hospital stay, I sent flowers.
Over time, Amber told me more about dissociative identity disorder [DID].
They’d always heard voices, and initially docs suspected psychosis.
Until November 2017, when Amber, then 26, attempted suicide.
After opening up to doctors, Amber was diagnosed with DID.
Their various identities were called ‘alters’.
‘I refer to me and my alters as “we”,’ Amber explained. ‘And I prefer others to call me “they’’.’
Amber’s alters could switch in and out without warning.
Some would only appear for a few minutes, others could stick around for a week.
‘I’ve counted more than 90,’ Amber confessed.
Soon, I met some of them over online messages and chats.
One alter, Charlie, was 27, a sweet, romantic woman, who loved cats.
Another, S, was a fiery fashionista, and very direct!
I got to know Zara too, the kindest person, who talked in a British accent.
Sometimes I’d get confused when I got a message.
Was it Amber, Charlie, or S? Or someone else entirely? But I got the hang of it. Could tell who it might be by their tone, language, or even the emojis they used.
Over time, I met more of Amber’s alters: Mel, Tammi, Danial, Phoebe. My friendship with
Amber grew deeper. Then, in September 2022, Amber spoke on TikTok about hopefully falling in love and marrying one day.
Jealousy hit, and I knew.
I’d totally fallen for them.
I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, though.
