TRUE-LIFE
But after 32 years it was time to reveal my biggest secret
Tami Hawley, 54
Sat on the loo in my mum’s cramped flat, I looked at the positive pregnancy test and gulped. No one can know, I thought, shoving the stick in my pocket.
It was 1986, I was only 17 and no longer with my boyfriend.
In shock, for months I went to school, chatted to friends without uttering my secret to a soul.
Naively hoped it’d just go away.
Only, as a bump emerged, I couldn’t hide it any more.
‘I missed a period,’ I confessed to Mum one night.
She rushed me to the doctor the next day, where it was confirmed I was five months gone.
Too late for a termination, I thought I’d get to keep the baby.
But my dad had left when I was young, and I lived with my mum, my two older brothers and my gran in a two-bedroom flat.
Couldn’t afford another mouth to feed.
So the adoption wheels were set in motion.
Later that month, my mum told my teachers I wasn’t well and I stopped going to school.
My mates didn’t have a clue, and my brothers, then 21 and 19, just thought I was poorly.
As my belly swelled, I treasured every kick and wiggle, knowing our time together was running out. 24
Squirrelled to midwife appointments in the back of the car, I quietly wondered if I was having a baby boy or girl.
Going into labour at home in April 1987, I was terrified, but Mum stayed by my side in hospital as I pushed.
Finally, a cry rang out. ‘It’s a boy!’ the midwife said.
My son was whisked off to be adopted before I even caught a glimpse of his face.
Recovering in hospital, I cried myself to sleep thinking of that bundle in a white blanket who’d changed my life but I feared I’d never see again.
Then two months later I was off to college like nothing had happened.
Terrified what people might think, I didn’t confide in my friends, but I’d sit in class thinking about my baby boy.
Trying to picture his face. Was he hugged enough?
Loved enough?
Are his eyes blue like mine?I wondered. With every birthday, I planned his party in my head.
Would he like jungle animals, maybe dinosaurs? Managing bookshops in my 20s, I threw myself into work, never letting my secret slip.
Even in 2003, when I met my husband Bob, I still felt too ashamed to open up.
I never had another child – the time never seemed right.
But as my son hit his 20s, I wondered if he’d had a family of his own.
Without his name or info about his adoption, I didn’t know where to start looking.
Then for Christmas 2016 my brother Dana bought me a DNA testing kit, all the rage at the time.
You spit in a tube and send it in for DNA analysis.
Then the company emails you th
