WELLBEING
YOUR GUIDE TO EMOTIONAL ISSUES & FAMILY LIFE WITH COUNSELLOR, PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND LIFE COACH ANNA WILLIAMSON
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As you become more comfortable in a romance, your sexual appetite can change, so here’s what to do about it
Biologically, scientifically and emotionally, it makes sense for your sex drive to change. During the honeymoon phase we have high desire, with the love and reward hormones firing on all cylinders. That alters thanks to one key ingredient: familiarity. You have to work at wanting to get in the mood, at feeling attractive and ensuring that your sex life is enough for both of you.
Look at any areas that are affecting your libido like grief, medication, mental health struggles, stress, tiredness. If you’re experiencing those, the last thing on your mind will be sex, so talk about that. Research suggests that most couples have sex once a week – I think that’s ambitious and twice a month is more realistic, but don’t measure yourself against anybody else – ask yourselves if you’re both satisfied and not, make a plan.
Make an effort, because if we feel better about ourselves, we feel more desirable. If I wear nice underwear, I feel more amorous, and my partner feels the same. We should love each other warts-and-all, but if you never make an effort, that signals to your partner they’re not worth making the effort for.
Change your environment – having sex next to the clothes airer isn’t very exciting, so plan a night out or a sexy night in – get dressed up, get some champagne, plan a meal. Have sex in a different room, in a different position. Ask if there’s anything your partner would like to try – role play, dress up, sex toys, whatever it may be – communicate that and enjoy the excitement.
If you’ve both agreed to not have sex for a bit, share intimacy in other ways, like massage and kissing. Don’t put pressure on one another, just let them know you love them and are attracted to them. Have a quickie – it’s a little moment to have a release and to connect. We’re not machines and sometimes we need to address what’s going on in our lives before we can start to enjoy a fruitful love life, but you can continually re-spark your sex life with effort, communication and respect.
