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Old sibling rivalries die hard. Good thing our advice columnist, therapist Minaa B, is here to help you cope
Dear Minaa, I recently went home for my middle sister’s birthday party and couldn’t shake the feeling that my older brother still acts like a teenager – and treats me like I’m still one, too. (For the record, he’s 27 and I’m 22.) Just one example: in the middle of the party, he put me in a headlock. He also called me by my childhood nickname the entire time.
No matter how much I avoid or ignore him, he’s constantly trying to bring me down to his level with remarks like, ‘Do mum and dad know you’re drinking now?’ (again, I’m 22) and, ‘Still want me to turn the lights on in the basement before you go down there?’ He also leaves dirty dishes around the house for my mum to clean up and, when she asked him to help set up for my sister’s party, he did the bare minimum, opting to spend most of the morning watching sports from the living room sofa. Yet, somehow, my parents don’t seem fazed that he hasn’t shed his sixth form-esque party persona. He still lives rent-free at home and relies heavily on them for financial support. Meanwhile, although I’m the youngest child, I have a career, a flat and a life of my own. Yet... I’m still practically a baby in his eyes – and it’s starting to mess with how I see myself.
What’s it going to take for him to finally grow up and treat me as a fully functioning adult?
Dear reader, It’s possible that your brother does recognise that you’re an adult. But as an older sibling, he may still think of you a certain way, kind of like how a parent might say, ‘You’ll always be my baby.’ When we’re kids, the people that take care of us – including siblings – often dictate most of our choices. And as we grow up, it can be hard for those same people to see us as peers. Your brother may think he’s just being playful with his little sis in the way he’s always been.
Have you clearly communicated that you don’t like the way he treats you? Ignoring him isn’t enough – you have to say it explicitly. Try speaking up – in language that makes sense in terms of how you two usually engage – by starting with something like, ‘Hey, this really isn’t funny.’ However, you choose to phrase it, your message should boil down to, ‘I don’t like this.’
Once you explain what your boundaries are, don’t be afraid to repeat them consistently so he
