Best sex ever
Or how I finally began to understand self-love
Post-sex aftercare
Page 119
EYNTK about low libido
Page 120
First date therapy chat
Page 122
Friends forever
Page 124
Ten minutes into scrolling through bad, jackham mer-y porn, I was ready to give up. I was horny and desperate to get off to something that wasn’t so performative or obviously filtered through the male gaze. I wanted to see a real person experiencing genuine, orgasmic pleasure.
A real person like... well, me. That’s when I realised I’d never find that someone in any video – unless that someone was actually me.
I didn’t have the interest (or the time, let’s be real) to attempt to get myself cast in some kind of off-Broadway version of a porn shoot, but there was something instantly sexy about the idea of filming myself right there on my phone. Except. Every insecurity I’ve ever had begged me not to open my camera app.
There was the way I hated how my boobs sagged, the stretch marks I was always trying to cover up. To be captured somewhat permanently, exposed, in motion, on display? And sure, I thought, I’m sex positive – but sex positive enough for this?
Intrigue (and horniness) won out. I set up my phone across from me, got out a vibrator, and pressed ‘record’. And then... I was caught up in the moment, running my hands over my stomach rolls, feeling the warmth of my fingertips shooting what felt like electricity through my stretch-marked skin. It was hot. So hot that I came – quickly and intensely.
Satisfied, I put the video out of my mind for a while. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever watch it back, or if I should delete it rather than risk the shame I thought I might feel the second I pressed ‘play’. But the next time I wanted to come and instinctively went to pull up porn, I paused. I figured I owed it to myself to see what I’d captured. So I propped up my phone again, this time in playback mode, and turned on my vibrator.
You know what? It was still really fucking hot. The selfdisgust I was expecting never came. There I was, a body type rarely seen in mainstream porn, enjoying myself in the most intimate of ways. I was now a
