The ex-Man City stopper on kicking Bee Gees where it hurts, Zlatan weirdos and flinging fish fingers
Interview Si Hawkins Illustration Bill McConkey
ASK A SILLY QUESTION
Hi Nedum! You studied accountancy, saying it was “one of the most boring years in my life.” Can you do us a nice XLS spreadsheet?
Hi! Yeah, it was bad. I’d go to university knackered after training, thinking about football, and we’d talk about forecasts and financial law for two hours. I’d be sat by a radiator nodding off. I’d think, ‘Why am I doing this by choice?’ I don’t have a special calculator and can’t do a spreadsheet. I don’t even really need a computer!
Did your number-crunching prowess come in handy when locked in tough contract negotiations?
Not really, though I still like the human side of economics. I was into maths at school. I like to figure out trends, and I love football data and statistics – I’m a pervert for that.
You still hold a British record for the under-15s standing triple jump. How do you nail a top hop, skip and jump?
It sounds odd, but if you want to move forward quickly or jump high, the thing you have to use the most is the ground – you need to attack it. That’s crucial. It served me pretty well as a footballer.
As someone experienced in athletics, how far could you chuck a fish finger?
It depends – is it well cooked or frozen? I haven’t got the best arm for throwing, but I reckon I could arc it to about 40 metres. Does that seem respectable?
Very. Jamie Lawrence says he could only throw it 15 feet. That’s unacceptable – I would sling it.
You went to school around the corner from fellow Manchester legends the Bee Gees. In their heydey, could you have taken on all three Gibb brothers in a fight?
Yes. The key would be to obliterate one Bee Gee, to scare the other two. What I do to the first would settle the debate, then they’d walk away. Maybe a kick to the shin – do they want some of that?
No thanks. If we Google your name, one of the first pictures that pops up shows Zlatan screaming in your face. Do you wish that wasn’t true?
There’s a ton of photos that aren’t ideal but tell a story. People might claim it’s humiliating, but in reply I’d say, “Have you ever played against Ibrahimovic?”
People seem to overlook the fact that Z
