Mark White selects his alternative top flight side of 2023-24... based on vibes
OPINION
Welcome to the run-in, folks. We’re at that stage of the campaign where we concede our club didn’t really endure ‘a bad start to the season’ – they just weren’t particularly good from the outset.
Give it until Easter and I’m sure you’ll begin to see the same old Team of the Season posts clogging up your timelines: your Salahs and Salibas, debates on how many Manchester City players are too many and whether Cole Palmer has “done enough”. I know how my side looks – Declan Rice, you have my heart – but there are a number of tertiary characters who deserve their spotlight.
Like Rinus Michels and Garth Crooks before me, I wanted to concoct 2023-24’s ‘Vibes XI’:
alternative shouts for the standout stars who have hoovered up admirers, pulled doubters’ pants down and enthralled, win, lose or draw.
CASE FOR THE DEFENCE
Where better to start than Andre Onana? Erik ten Hag would have been forgiven for visiting the ‘Safe Pair of Hands’ aisle following years of tumult, but in the immortal words of Gary Neville, this is Manchester United. Polarising projects require fitting lead actors and Onana has been the Nicolas Cage of this production, offering Andrea Pirlo-esque playmaking with side dishes of David de Gea howlers.
The Cameroonian custodian patrols behind a full-English double act of Jarrad ‘Big Jarrad’ Branthwaite and Joe ‘Catford Carragher’ Gomez. A sturdy centre-’alf with Eindhoven experience, alongside the man who’s been a back-up Trent Alexander-Arnold, a stand-in Virgil van Dijk and an inverted left-back. And that’s just this season, too. Your dad’s choice to succeed John Stones and Harry Maguire.
Every promoted club needs an honest wing-back with a devilish whip and CV stretching down to the Isthmian League. It’s the rules, and our Vibes XI will always have a place for Luton’s Alfie Doughty on the right. On the left, we have the deceptively decorated Emerson, now at the height of his credibility having ditched the Parklife years on Chelsea’s bench for David Moyes’ Demon Days at West Ham. There’s something brilliantly ‘Barclays’ about a Hammers side of multi-million glitz sitting back, low-blocking and winding people up.
MIDFIELD SCHEMERS
We’re going Scottish deep in central midfield, with the fantastic Ryan Christie – reborn from fringe winger to recovery king – next to Tom Cairney. Director of football
