Inner you
Sweaty palms, a racing heart and burning cheeks... the phrase ‘painfully shy’ nails it, says Sarah Brown. Here, she shares how she beat the crippling condition
Atprimary school, I was hilarious (in my eyes) and loved making friends laugh. Teachers would send me out of the class for talking, where I’d continue drawing attention to myself by making faces through the glass pane in the door. School reports would repeat that I talked too much.
But something changed. In adolescence, I became completely overwhelmed by self-consciousness. Moving schools a few times undoubtedly had an impact. Also, I developed acne in my teens, which plagued me into adulthood. I pretty much became an elective mute, at least in education and work settings. Secondary school reports would stress that I should speak up more in class, as if I was lazy for being reluctant to join in rather than recognising the torture I felt at speaking out loud.
There is a reason why we refer to people as painfully shy. Daily social encounters for me were visceral, physically exhausting experiences at the time. My mouth went dry, my palms were sweaty, my heart raced, cheeks burned and fingers trembled. It was even more draining in the aftermath, when I dissected my own feebleness and inability to release all the words buzzing around my head, trapped behind my closed mouth.
Looking at my reflection each morning as a young woman, I told myself sternly NOT to be shy each day. I look back in sadness at my younger self and so many missed opportunities. All the potential friends I wanted to talk to, but never did. All the humorous ripostes I had fizzing on the tip of my tongue but never uttered. Even so, I have often stretched the limits of my own shyness, as if to challenge myself. So, I chose drama at school, even though every time I had to perform, I felt so lightheaded with nerves that I thought I would pass out. I would force myself to contribute the briefest comment in a university seminar, but my heart would bang against my chest even while I prepared to speak. In all relationships, I would never make the first move. I’d go along with social plans, never make them.
If only I had known that this feeling was perfectly normal, or at least very common. ‘Shyness and social anxiety can affect anyone at any age,’ explains Professor Chris Williams, clinical adviser to Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk). ‘It is estimated that as many as 40 to 50% of people may consider themselves to be shy in nature. It is more common in women, who are two or three times more likely to experience it than men.’
Perhaps as another challenge to myself, 20 years ago I trained to be a teacher. I loved my job as a primary school teacher; standing in front of 30 or more children, or
