FIND YOUR ZEN WITH MONTHLY COLUMNIST FEARNE COTTON
R ecently,I was at a family barbecue and my cousin and I were talking about the level of perfectionism that runs through our female lineage. And how potent this need is to ensure that everyone sees how hard we’ve tried, how much effort we have expended, and how much we have given.
My cousin recounted a conversation she’d had with her mum after a previous family party. She’d witnessed how stressed she had become in the run-up, making sure the food was perfect, the table looked incredible, the house tidy and smelling wonderful, but she had missed many of the moments of connection with the people she’d invited. These words hit home.
I have done this so many times. I have spent hours ensuring every cushion is plumped, every scented candle lit, every crumb hoovered up ferociously before visitors arrive. I have then occupied myself with serving drinks and making sure everybody has food without properly engaging with those around me – the need for the party to go perfectly overriding the whole point of the gathering.
This leaks into my everyday life, too. Before recording a podcast at home, I frantically wipe kitchen surfaces and hide the kids’ toys in drawers to ensure everything looks perfect. When I stop and think about it, I can see how desperately I’m trying to create a flawless scene for my guest, in the hope that everything then feels and occurs perfectly. Yet deep down, I know that having a clean house cannot protect me from things going wrong or others seeing my faults.
Since having th
