Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
As someone who has been a social worker, mother, wife and divorcee I have been around the block a few times. I’m humbled to answer your questions and feel that if a problem can be shared it can be halved – at the very least.
I know of very few families who do not have a similar problem, or at least a “sensitivity” towards one particular family member that can emerge when faced with a challenging situation.
Our children and relatives are all different and will chose partners that fit with them. These partners are then willing – or not – to fit in with the extended family. Some families have strong traditions, and some in-laws or partners are more able to adapt or embrace this than others. In fact, it can be a big ask to continually fit in with other families’ customs. The situation you describe appears to be one of these.
However, when one person’s discomfort expresses itself, the cause is often a combination of selfishness, insecurity, and/or ignorance. The “difficult” person may be acting up because they feel they don’t fit in, and can become isolated and defensive, leading to bad behaviour and soured relationships. Your problem is how do you manage all this without causing further distress to their partner and children? It is lovely that you are part of a big family who have the desire to go away for family trips. Unfortunately, the “difficult” one may well deter others from joining in. It would be a shame to deny this opportunity to the children, who would benefit from such a treat and appreciate the option to join in.
There are various approaches you can take. Does your daughter see the same difficulty you describe? If not, then I suggest you meet her for a one-to-one so you can find out how she sees her partner’s behaviour and the impact it is having on all of you. Ask if she feels comfortable for you to be involved. If you sense that y
