Find me love

I can’t believe we’re saying goodbye.” “Don’t.” I shake my head. “I hate to think about it like that.” The wind whips around the clifftop, so I need to shout a little bit.

It’s not at all how I imagined our last, tragic goodbye to be, with both of us yelling like this. Zander has his hands either side of my face and he wipes away a tear as it tracks down my cheek.

I can’t help myself; I lean into his hand just a little. How I love his hands.

“You’re my best friend, Ella. Maybe we could just…”

“Shh.” I hold a finger to his lips. “It would be worse…waiting.”

He presses his forehead against mine.

“I’m going to miss you so, so much, Ella Tomms.”

“I feel like my heart is breaking.”

“Maybe one day…” He trails off.

Maybe. Maybe. I think this goodbye maybe hurts more than anything has a right to hurt.

“I hope so,” I say as he lets go for the last time and takes a step back.

It’s only one step and he’s going to take a lot more. To the other side of the world, in fact.

“I’ll think of you, like, all the time and one day I’ll find you, I promise,” he tells me, taking another step.

I want to believe that he’s telling the truth. I want to believe that even though we’re sixteen and going in opposite directions that it might yet all work out.

“I’ll think of you too,” I call after him. But the wind takes my words, lifts them up and blows them away.

17 years later

There’s a drumroll, flashing lights and a loud announcement. “And here is your host, Mr Roberto Slack!”

The music to signal the beginning of the show starts up and waiting here like this, I can’t shake the feeling that I am just a person who makes bad decisions.

I think back to the divorce certificate that arrived through the post last week.

Very bad decisions.

The lights in the studio are unbelievably bright and I’m wearing a lot of make-up. There’s a chance it’s going to slide right off my face like some type of horror skit. Then the cameras will capture it and people will make memes out of my face slide for all eternity.

This is all the fault of Suzie, my soon-to-be ex-best friend. It was her bright idea to apply.

“Get your confidence back!” she said.

“It’ll do you good!” she said.

She’d actually don