‘transitioning was something i had to do’

I remember blowing out candles on my birthday cake when I was four or five years old, closing my eyes and making a wish. There was only one thing that came to mind. Every time I blew out candles or threw a penny into a well, it was always the same. I just wished I was a girl.

Throughout childhood I grew up being ashamed about my feminine feelings. I had a pony and I’d often hang out at the stables with all of the girls. Funnily enough, I was the only guy there. Being there felt like I was able to be part of the world that I was supposed to be in.

But I wasn’t able to speak to anyone about how I was feeling because it was drummed into me, and everyone else, that boys and girls played with certain toys and wore certain colours, so I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. All I knew was that I had to keep those feelings close to me, as if they were a secret.

SUDDENLY I WASN’T ALONE

For years it felt like I was pretending to be a male and that it was all an act. It wasn’t until the arrival of the internet during my adulthood that I realised there were other people who had the same feelings. Suddenly I wasn’t alone and there were things that I could do.

However, while realising that I had gender dysphoria was a huge revelation, by then I’d already buried those feelings. I was married and I had two children at that point. I thought while I could transition, it might cause me to lose everything. I was worried about losing my job and my family, so I kept hiding who I was.

Then, years later when I was in my forties, the constant dripping tap effect got too much for me. For me, transitioning wasn’t really a choice, it was something that I had to do. I suppose I made the decision to transition while I was sitting on the side of a lake with my pockets full of rocks – I considered taking my own life. I knew that I had to try to fight for it though. If I lost my family, I lost my family, but at least I’d have given it a try. Telling my wife and my children was the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. I’ve rock climbed on cliffs without ropes, but telling everybody that I knew and loved that I was transgender, that I was suffering from gender dysphoria and that I was going to transition, was the hardest thing in the world.

Fortunately my family stood by me. While my marriage didn’t last,