Q & A
Valerie Bauman
Q _ Were you ultimately successful in your quest to conceive?
A _ I am currently pregnant, due in mid-May. i can’t wait to meet my son!
Is there anything you would have done differently along the way?
There is a donor I mention in the book who I worked with that I call “The Conquistador.” We attempted to have a romantic relationship while also trying to get me pregnant. I regret that situation.
You lay out many pitfalls in trying to conceive in the unregulated market. How can would-be parents avoid getting burned?
The key is taking your time to vet potential donors properly and establishing some trust. Unlike a sperm bank, you have the opportunity to truly get to know the person who is donating half the DNA that will create your child. Take advantage of that and don’t rush that process.
Additionally, i often see people focusing only on a donor’s physical attributes and seeking donor anonymity. They may just want to have sperm shipped to them, or even meet a donor at a roadside motel without ever exchanging real names. That’s not a healthy decision for the recipient or the donor-conceived child. That’s how you wind up with a donor who has severe psychological issues that could be passed on to your child. in other cases, those recipients will find their donor trying to coerce them into performing sex acts. Unfortunately, some women will submit to those pressures out of desperation to get pregnant. Consider—what if your child tracks down this donor one day through a consumer DNA site. Would you really want your kid to develop a relationship with someone that disgusting? The world of freelance sperm contains many creeps who are just trying to get laid. It also contains men with a breeding fetish who want to see their DNA spread far and wide—without regard for the children who then must contend with dozens of siblings. It takes time to find the good donors who are genuinely seeking to help wouldbe parents build their families.
Do super donors create a problem for donor-conceived people? How can their rights be protected?
Most donor-conceived people I’ve spoken with are extremely troubled by super donors who create children by the dozens without limits or any intention to connect half-siblings or maintain relationships with the offspring. protecting their rights is tricky, because the U.S. legal and legislative systems are loathe to place any formal limits on how many children any one person can have—or how they go about it.
Ultimately, it’s the responsibility of the prospective parent—the recipient—to choose a donor carefully. Finding someone who has self-imposed limits, good motivations and a willingness t
