psychologies DOSSIER With you in mind
So, you’ve figured out that, this Christmas, you’d like to bring the family together and have a few days that are sprinkled with moments that matter to each of you.
There will be your favourite Christmas music playing as you open presents; warm mince pies to nibble while watching The Snowman and the Snowdog; a board games evening that you hope doesn’t get too competitive; and a Christmas dinner that brings everyone around the table to enjoy a delicious meal.
It sounds lovely, doesn’t it? And it may well be a wonderful celebration. But, chances are, there will be pressure to pull off a brilliant day – or several days – and to make sure everyone is having the best time. This can be especially true if you’re hosting, but even if you’re not, there can still be a strong sense of responsibility for making sure everything is just so.
‘Perfectionism at Christmas relates to the pressure we all have in wider society to be perfect,’ explains clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas. The commercialism of Christmas is an obvious factor, too: we’re so used to seeing adverts for the holidays that can make us feel lacking if our reality doesn’t match up. ‘It’s also linked to emotion,’ says Thomas. ‘From a psychological point of view, people are pressurised to purchase things they don’t need at Christmas, because they want their kids to feel happy, or they want to feel happy.’ The fact that crackers and boxes of chocolates line the supermarket shelves from late summer can mean we feel this pressure for much longer now, too. ‘The pressure is also linked to a fear of failure,’ says Thomas. ‘It’s the fear of not being good enough, or having the same as other people have.’
Thomas explains that perfectionism can be linked to a fear of losing control, or a need to control everything. ‘That might feel really anxiety-provoking for someone who has a need to control,’ she says. ‘It’s impossible to reach a perfect standard – something will inevitably go wrong. This is why perfectionism can lead to a sense of stress, anxiety, or even low mood. So you might feel stressed and anxious before Christmas Day, because it has to be just right, and it may lead to low mood afterwards, when you realise it wasn’t up to scratch. Maybe it wasn’t as good as you wanted it to be, or someone was judgmental or disappointed. This can lead to self-criticism or shame when you feel you haven’t reached the standard you wanted. But having unrealistic standards around Christmas means you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.’
There will always be something that doesn’t go according to plan: the roast potatoes get burnt, or someone doesn’t respond to a gift that you’ve bought with the enthus
