psychologies DOSSIER With you in mind
Getting to the root of what a truly meaningful and joyful Christmas would look like to you means taking some time to understand your fundamental values – and these might be quite different from your goals.
It helps to realise the difference between the two, advises Dr QuinnCirillo. ‘Perhaps your goal might be to get ever yone together,’ she says. ‘And then you think, well, we must have this lovely table, like I saw on Instagram, with wonderful decorations.’ Suddenly, you are focused on the image you’re creating, the decorations to buy, and the food to impress your guests with, rather than thinking about what you really value about it. Getting in touch with what your values are can help reduce some of the pressure you may feel to keep up with these high expectations.
‘Sometimes, people get so caught up in what Christmas “should” be, and how it “should” look, that they get over whelmed and burnt out, and they can miss out on really simple pleasures, like spending time with family. Thinking about your values – for example, here, your values are more about the connection than the decorations – can really help you to de-stress,’ says Dr Quinn-Cirillo.
So how can we get in touch with these values? Dr Quinn-Cirillo recommends either doing some writing or going for a walk, and using this as a time to purposefully reflect on what Christmas means to you. See what thoughts naturally come to you when you reflect on what you want this Christmas to look like – and don’t worry about thinking the ‘wrong’ thing. Let yourself be surprised.
Dr Quinn-Cirillo suggests separating out the value from the goal: ‘If you write or think something like, “I must have an amazing Christmas dinner with a perfect table”, try and pinpoint what are the practical things – such as what the table looks like, what food you serve – and what are the more general things around connection and meaning. Those are the things that you want to focus on.’ You can then look to list what those values are, thinking of the emotions behind them, and what Christmas would look like if you were guided by those values.
It can help, too, to talk to family or anyone else you are celebrating Christmas with, to help you understand what matters to them. To get the conversation started, Dr QuinnCirillo recommends asking yourself and your loved ones some gentle, open-ended questions. You could ask them in person, or put them in a group chat. Here are a few suggestions:
● What do you remember about past Christmases?
● What’s one of the first things that comes into your mind when you think about Christmas in our family?
● Are there any Christmases that stand out for you?
● What is one thing you really like about Christmas?
