THE LIFE LAB
Coaching in action
In their final session together, the award-winning coach Kim Morgan helps her client Pat* find acceptance and forge new ‘family’ ties
The final session
Since her adult son cut her out of his life a year ago, my client Pat had been trying to manage a complex mix of feelings: self-blame, grief, and despair. Each time we met, it seemed that she had taken one step forward and one step back.
It was distressing to witness Pat’s pain, but I had to remind myself that I don’t have a magic wand. A coach’s role is not about fixing everything for our clients (some things are not fixable!); it is about creating in our clients a sense of mobility and self-efficacy.
Over the past 12 months, I had helped Pat to develop some self-care and survival strategies, so that she could continue to find happiness, friendship, and purpose in her life.
We had written scripts together, so that Pat had ready responses to the inevitable questions from well-meaning others: ‘Do you have children/grandchildren?’, ‘Are you seeing your family for Christmas?’
I had listened, questioned, and coached Pat when she agonised over whether to call, text, write or send gifts to her son.
When Pat arrived for our final coaching session together, she was still blaming herself: ‘I must have been an awful mother for him to do this. I thought I did my best. What did I do wrong?’ Pat looked at me searchingly for a response.
I responded with a true story: ‘When I run assertiveness courses, at a certain point I produce a bag of sweets. I walk around offering sweets to some people and not to others. Then I go back to the front of the room and ask, ‘Is everybody okay?’ Some brave souls say, ‘No, I didn’t get a sweet.’ I ask those who didn’t get a sweet what they thought about it. Almost every single person says, ‘I thought it was because I had upset you or was too big/skinny/old/young/attractive.’
Nobody has ever said they thought that it was me who was being mean or unfair. It shocks me that when someone is unkind to us, we often turn on ourselves and question what we did wrong.’ Pat looked tired. I wanted to give her some feedback: ‘Dear Pat, I don’t know your son, but I do know you! You are a kind, compassionate, loving person. You think about other people more than you think about yourself – always. I don’t think you did anything to cause this. And, even if you did, you have apologised, pleaded, written to him, and offered to meet him – all to no avail.’
Pat nodded. ‘I know deep down that I am a good person – in fact, I’m probably a bit of a pushover! It is easier to blame myself than face the fact that my son doesn’t want me in his life
