Interview ROLE MODELS
Psychotherapist Philippa Perry talks to Psychologies about sorting feelings from facts, and why quiet moments of connection hold the key to wellbeing and belonging
First, she tackled parenthood, now she’s turned her attention to our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves: if there’s one person who can unpick the inner workings of human connections, it’s Philippa Perry. Psychotherapist, artist, and the nation’s favourite agony aunt, she shares yet more pearls of wisdom in her new book, The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read (Cornerstone, £18.99).
‘This book is for people who were put off by my last book, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (Penguin, £10.99), because they thought it was just for parents. This time, I wanted to talk about all relationships, and how to make the most of them. Not just romantic relationships, but connections with friends, acquaintances, and colleagues; the people you meet on the bus; the doctor.’
Perry reveals that she’s come to learn that most people’s problems ‘are rooted in relationships’, and how we come across and relate to others. ‘I thought this would be a good thing to address by thinking of all the questions I get sent as an advice columnist, and the learnings therein for all of us,’ says Perry.
Rooted in childhood
Delving into the impact of our upbringing on our adult relationships in the book, Perry reflects on how our survival strategies from childhood may no longer serve us: ‘When we are growing up in our family of origin, that family is our whole world, so we develop strategies to survive that world and they become very ingrained in us. But what helped us thrive in that environment might hold us back in the next,’ she adds. ‘For example, suppose in childhood you found the best way to survive was to make yourself as small as possible and not draw attention to yourself; you might wonder why, in the adult world, you’ve been looked over for promotion again. Or suppose you’ve
never felt “enough” and you’re always trying to be the life and soul of the party, and then you can’t work out why you feel exhausted all the time. Instead of being who we are, we work really hard at being who we think we should be. We then believe we can’t cope with people, when in reality we just can’t cope with not being enough for people.
‘When we believe we’re not enough, we either turn it up to ten or dial it down to zero, instead of just being who we really are,’ Pe
