Monica Karpinski
Q: I’m fairly sure that my long-term partner is cheating on me—I’ve seen some incriminating text messages and caught her out in a lie once about where she was. But I haven’t confronted her directly about it yet. I’m hurt and furious but not sure I want to break up. What should I do, how should I approach this?
A: Firstly, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Learning that your partner has betrayed your trust is very painful, but it’s good to hear that you’re wanting to reflect on how you feel before making any rash decisions.
I would actually suggest speaking to her to help you decide what you want to do. If the relationship is to be saved, she needs to be open with you about what she’s done and why she’s done it—and you need to be willing to listen and forgive. Having the discussion can help you gauge whether that’s possible.
When you confront her, lay out the facts of what you know and share how this has made you feel. Then, give her the space to explain herself. As best you can, try not to get too accusatory or defensive, as this might cause her to shut down or even lie.
What’s most important is that she shares her reasons for straying. Infidelity is very hurtful but it’s also nuanced, and what she says may surprise you. As leading relationship therapist Esther Perel notes, cheating
