The mannies

IT’S THAT TIME of year again: the red carpets are being dusted off, the shortlists scrutinised for diversity, and, suddenly, people care who Frances McDormand is wearing. Yes, it’s Awards Season!

TV ratings for these star-studded shindigs have been plummeting, as viewers feel increasingly disconnected from the luvvies on parade. Well, I’m here to correct that, as I humbly present the winners of my awards… an awards for the people: THE MANNIES.

Best Bedding

I used to be sniffy about Asda (“‘Extra Special’ brioche, eh? I’ll be the judge of that!”, I’d snort, as I popped another M&S chargrilled calamari ring into my gob), but thanks to our friend the Cost of Living Crisis, I’ve found myself frequenting the green supermarket quite a lot recently (and, yes, the yellow-and-blue one too). As a result, when we needed a new duvet cover, we got one from George’s "At Home With Stacey Solomon" range, and: good Lord. It’s the warmest, softest, cosiest envelopment I’ve ever experienced, like being hugged by a giant teddy bear. Remember when Loyd Grossman went from being an annoying TV presenter to Pasta God thanks to his range of supermarket sauces? Solomon has repeated the trick: no longer, in my mind, is she "the toothy one off The X Factor." She is Martha Stewart, 2.0.

Best Garden Ornament

There’s not much to enjoy about this time of year in Britain, quite frankly, but frozen cobwebs always floor me with their beauty and complexity. It’s like a reward for being too lazy to clean the roof of my shed! The weather turns, the temperature drops, and, presto: free art.

Best Cream Cheese

As someone who chomps through multiple salmon bagels per week, constantly having cream cheese at hand is a necessity. Unfortunately, I’m the only one in my house who eats it (except the cat, and even he’s suspicious). So, for years—literally, years—each week I’ve been buying a packet, eating half of it, and then, when it goes green and furry, chucking it out and opening another. A lamentable waste of money and food. But then…I discovered Philadelphia Light Soft Cheese Mini Tubs—packs of four single-serve cream cheese portions with individual lids. Good work, Kraft. Just when you think the food conglomerates have thought of everything, they hit a home run.

Best Listening

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