RELATIONSHIPS
With almost two decades of matrimony under her belt, Selfish Mother’s Molly Gunn has learned what works (and what doesn’t) in her relationship
It blows my mind that I’ve been in a relationship with my husband, Tom, for 23 years, which equates to half of my life. I’m 46, and met Tom in London when I was just 23. I felt very grown up then, even though I look back now on how young I was in reality. Within six months we were cohabiting, and less than five years later we got married in a church in Ibiza with close family and friends. The reception at a finca turned into a pool party, but that carefree fun feels like a million years ago now. Since then, we’ve had three children, acquired two cats and one dog, and grown into responsible (ahem) adulthood.
When I was 23, my idea of love was more physical and very optimistic; we were always intertwined and I was sure we’d never falter. But, as you grow older, challenges pop up that you don’t envisage. Over the years, Tom and I have had major bust-ups around work and money.
Honestly, too many times to list here, and for many reasons: not only have we both freelanced for nearly two decades, which means a lot of hustling to pay the bills – and has sometimes been out of balance when one of us is earning more or less – but we also ran my business together, called Selfish Mother. It was a blogging platform where women could share their honest feelings about motherhood and life, and, soon after, a clothing brand became part of it, too, and raised more than £1m for charities in the process.
Tom came into the business when I was about to give birth to our third child, Liberty, and after I came up for air post-baby, it turned out we had different visions for how the business should carry on. Cue many arguments, us both vowing to never work together again, and a rocky time that nearly killed off our marriage completely. But it didn’t. Nowadays, we’re both back to freelancing. We’ve split our bank accounts so that we have personal accounts and we contribute to a joint account for mortgage and bills. We’ve come to understand that we both pull our weight, and work hard, even if sometimes we earn a bit less, or more, than the other. Our contributions to the household are more than monetary, so as long as we can pay the bills and feed our kids, we’re in a groove where everything feels okay.
What I’ve learned from all this is that a relationship ebbs and flows, and life does, too. It’s the little – and sometimes obvious – things we do each day that store up a bank of goodwill and gratitude that might see us through tougher years, like the ones we’ve been through (and survived) together. Here are some I try to remind myself of as often as I can…
