SELF
(according to the data)
Finding the right romantic partner in life isn’t just down to luck – it’s also a matter of science, says relationship expert Paul C Brunson. Here, he explains how we can nail the search
There are few more important decisions in life than choosing the person you’re going to spend the rest of your days with, says matchmaker and couples counsellor Paul C Brunson. But even so, many of us get it wrong. ‘In my experience, the biggest reason relationships fail is because we pick bad partners,’ he explains. ‘Life is stressful, and the beauty of a strong intimate relationship is that it can help you manage stress. When you have a challenging relationship, everything becomes more difficult.’
Brunson argues that great relationships help us grow and become better at a multitude of things, from our jobs to raising children. ‘A lot of people find the cracks in their relationship begin to show when they have kids – and maybe it isn’t really the kids,’ he says. ‘Maybe the partner just wasn’t the strongest partner you could have chosen.’
Brunson has been working in the dating space for more than a decade, first as the founder of a successful matchmaking agency in Washington DC, then as a relationships expert on television (in the UK, he’s a regular on Married At First Sight UK and Celebs Go Dating). In 2023, Brunson joined Tinder as global relationship insights expert, a role that sees him analyse a wealth of data about how we search for and find love. ‘My skill is really an ability to look at the data – whether that’s online dating research, relationship psychology or anecdotal evidence I’ve gathered from working with clients – and piece it together,’ Brunson says. ‘I’m first and foremost a researcher.’
This February, Brunson publishes Find Love: How To Navigate Modern Love And Discover The Right Partner For You, the first of a three-book series on the fundamentals of relationships. ‘Whether you’re single and looking for love, or in a partnership and wondering if they’re “the one”, the intention of Find Love is to arm you with the tools you need to make an informed decision,’ he says. ‘I want to equip people to better understand the relationship landscape so they can go out and identify the strongest partner. Because love is emotional… but we need a strategy. It’s not about finding someone to protect you from lions and bears any more, but someone who can help you be your best self.’
Here, he shares some of his tips and insights for finding the right long-ter m relationship.
Set your relationship goals
One of the biggest challenges of finding love today is our own belief that we have endless options. We live in an age
in which Tinder, the largest dating app in the world, has been downloaded 530m times and there’s a sense that we can swipe, swipe,
