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Sex educator, author and researcher Emily Nagoski PhD is on a mission to change the way we think about sex. Here, she tells Natasha Lunn 11 ways to begin the journey…
If you choose to grow a long-term relationship with another person, your sexual life will inevitably ebb and flow. There might be years in which you want it less, or don’t want it all, or want to want it but are not sure how to tap back into that desire. In other years, you might be surprised by how you manage to connect your bodies in new ways after decades together.
Whatever stage you’re at, I wager you’ll find something in sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski’s book that will strengthen your sexual connection. The author of Come As You Are is back with a new book, Come Together, which opens with an honest personal admission: when Nagoski was touring the world talking about sex, she was actually experiencing a sex drought in her own life. ‘I had zero interest in actually having any sex… for months, nothing,’ she writes. Despite not wanting it, Nagoski knew she missed sex, and everything that came with it. This feeling inspired her to hit the research in a quest to solve her own sexual difficulties. The result? A generous book that will help readers unpick everything they’ve been told about sex – and access more pleasure in the process.
As Nagoski reminds us, ‘Great sex in a long-term relationship is not about how much you desire sex or how often you do it. It’s not about what you do, in which position, with whom or where or in what clothes, even how many orgasms you have. It’s whether or not you like the sex you’re having.’ Here, she tells us how to begin…
1 Stop thinking about frequency
Hardly any of us have sex very often. We’re busy! But there’s very little relationship between frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction. So, instead of how many times you have sex a week, or a month, or a year, instead, try to think about pleasure as a measure. If you’re enjoying the sex that you’re having, that’s more important than how often it happens.
2 What do you want when you want sex?
It’s helpful to ask, what is it that I want when I want sex?
The answer is not generally an orgasm – you can do that on your own. People’s answers usually come down to what I call The Big Four: Connection, Shared Pleasure, Being Wanted and Freedom (being fully immersed in an erotic experience). By asking this question, you’re building a sense of what makes sex worth not watching TV for. If we know why sex with our partner is important – if it is important – we can then focus on how to create a context to make it happen.
3 Hit the accelerator, not the brakes
The brain mechanism that
