GRANDCHILDLESSNESS
Many of us long to be grandparents, but what happens if that moment never comes? Our writer reveals how painful it can feel, and explains how it is still possible to cultivate a rich and rewarding life
‘Do you have any grandchildren?’ It’s an innocent, everyday question. Many parents over the age of 50 will answer ‘Yes!’, after which the conversation flows freely. Grandparents, very understandably, love to find each other and talk about their grandchildren. There’s endless material for the mutual sharing of anecdotes, boasting of achievements and admiring of photos. Grandchildren are the joy and solace of later life for many people.
But more and more parents of adult children, myself included, can’t reply ‘yes’ to that. We don’t have grandchildren and there’s no real prospect of that changing. Our grown-up kids are either unable to have babies or don’t want them.
So there’s an awkward moment as we answer ‘No’. The questioner looks confused or pitying and we feel a familiar sense of pain, inadequacy and alienation. Of course, some people don’t mind not becoming grandparents. They may experience fleeting sadness or regret, but they are not deeply affected. But others care profoundly, and for us it can be a real challenge to accept and adjust to this new reality.
I’m 65 and have been walking this path for a long time now. Fifteen years ago the first of my friends excitedly announced she was going to be a grandmother, and it occurred to me for the first time to wonder what that would be like.
I knew that one of my children would never be able to have babies, but the others? There seemed every reason to believe at least one would have a family, but it didn’t happen. The hope dwindled as the years passed. Now it has gone for good. It was tough – adrawn-out, challenging, difficult experience. Along the way I looked for some help or support; my motto has always been ‘if you want to learn about a new topic, buy a book’. To my surprise there didn’t seem to be one. And so I wrote my own. What started as a personal project in lockdown has now become my first published book, Guide To No Grandchildren.
I interviewed many other grandchildless people and while their experiences naturally differed, some themes emerged. There’s the emotional impact, of course. Many also mentioned a sense of isolation, loneliness, envy, or just being ‘different’. Our siblings, cousins and friends become grandmas and grandpas while we’re left behind. Their lives become busier and richer as ours stagnate. Once-close relationships wither as we have less in common with the new grandparents and they are too
