As children it seemed simple: meet your person, have a family. But what happens when you don’t meet that person but still desperately want a child? Stylist meets four single women who navigated their desire for parenthood in different ways
WORDS: MOYA CROCKETT
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or most of us, the expectation that we will one day become a mother is hard-baked into our earliest memories. While boys were being superheroes, girls were pushed towards dolls, dinky prams and fairy tales that repeated the same happily ever after: she got married and started a family of her own. What no one prepares us for is the possibility of not having this family unit one day, even when we really want it.
Of course, not all of us do want it. Many of us grow up and realise that motherhood is not for us – and thankfully the narrative around what makes a family is starting to shift beyond the traditional (read: heteronormative) man, woman and 2.5 kids. A recent study by University College London found that most childfree adults in the UK aged 18-45 either do want children or haven’t ruled them out. But the heart-breaking reality for many is the chance it won’t be possible for medical reasons. There is also the equally difficult – but far less talked about – reality of just not finding the right partner in time. Because time, we are told (by relatives, doctors and adverts for at-home fertility tests that follow us relentlessly around the internet) is Running Out. It can feel oppressive, especially if you’re single and in your 30s. Often, people around you are starting families, yet society says you must grapple with your own fear and longing in silence, lest you be labelled ‘jealous’ or ‘desperate’ – two things women are never allowed to be.
The frustrating truth is that while up to half of 40-year-old women can become pregnant without medical assistance within a year, fertility does decline during our 30s. Yet meeting someone with whom you’d be willing to share an Uber ride, let alone start a family, can feel impossible. “Dating is so difficult, and it becomes even harder when you want a baby and you’re in your 30s,” says Mel Johnson, a solo parenthood coach who works with single women. The research shows that not being able to find a suitable partner is a key reason why women in wealthy countries, including the UK, are having children later or not at all, while recent books including Amy Key’s Arrangements In Blue and The Lonely Hunter by Aimée Lutkin highlight how common it is to be long-term single in the digital age. The number of women aged 30-44 who aren’t living in a couple and have neve
