The honest truth
Forget the fairy tales, real life is full of women who’ve forged great relationships with their stepdaughters, like Christine Hadfield
Meeting a man who already has a child is a daunting prospect for anyone – but I was just 28 when I got together with Mark in 2010 and, at 12, his daughter Jade was on the brink of becoming a teenager. Fortunately, I had a big head start because I’d known Jade since she was seven. I ran a children’s play centre in Derby, and Mark, who managed a business in the same building, would bring Jade in to play regularly.
Mark had separated from Jade’s mum, Cath, when Jade was small, and he and I were friends long before romance blossomed. When we became a couple in 2010, I knew I never wanted to replace Jade’s mum: I wanted us to find our own relationship. Even though Jade seemed happy, I was scared that might change, not least because I wanted Mark and me to have children together.
We moved in together in 2011 and Jade would stay with us on alternate weekends. It was tricky at first. We all had to work out our place in the new family – I’d try to combine time together with going out to give Mark and Jade time alone. I also wanted to do mum things with Jade without stepping on her mum’s toes. We had to adjust to our differences – Ilike my food whereas Jade was fussy at first but began to help me cook meals. We’d giggle endlessly as we ganged up on her dad, doing things like hiding a few extra vegetables in his dinner.
I never felt I had to discipline Jade, but I set simple day-to-day rules for her to keep the place running smoothly, like clearing her own dishes from the table or putting her dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I wanted Jade to feel like it was her home too, and to take pride in it.
When Mark and I discussed marriage, I asked him to talk to Jade before he officially proposed. It was important to me that she was on board. Thankfully, she was thrilled. Not long after we were engaged, Jade fell ill during a weekend with us. She was very pale, couldn’t eat or get out of bed. I noticed purple lines on her legs and a red rash on her cheeks. I called 111 for advice and we took her to hospital. Mark called Jade’s mum to join us. It was the first time we had met – something I’d felt awkward about, knowing she is such a key person in Mark and Jade’s lives. But meeting in a crisis stripped away any tensions because we were both focused on Jade’s recovery.
While Mark and Cath were speaking to the doctors, I sat at Jade’s bedside and encouraged her to eat and drink because she looked so frail. Jade was diagnosed with lupus, an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation and severe pain. She spent weeks in ICU, sedated on a ventilator, and then more weeks in hospital.
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