Columnist
‘Women and men speak a different language. We need those United Nations headphones to translate’
Communication between the sexes has never been something we’re good at. Subtlety can often fall on deaf ears, while even great big hints go unheard.
For example, when a woman says, ‘I’m fine,’ she most certainly is not; and she’ll require a lot of chocolate to get over it. When she says, ‘Sure, just do what you want,’ this means, ‘If you dare do what you want, I will impale you on this knitting needle.’
When a woman replies, ‘Hungry? Not much,’ that means ‘If you don’t feed me immediately, I’m going to gnaw your leg off.’ ‘Don’t get me anything special for my birthday’ clearly translates as ‘Buy jewellery’. And when you don’t – ‘I forgive you’ means, ‘It’s going to be a very long time before you get to see me in my birthday suit.’
‘Marriage? Kids?… I’ve never really given it much thought’ decodes as ‘The snooze alarm has gone off on my biological clock and I’m ovulating, so get naked!’. When a woman says, ‘No, nothing’s wrong,’ this translates as, ‘Everything’s wrong! And because you didn’t notice, I’ll see you in divorce court.’
If the communication breakdown between the sexes becomes any more chronic, where will it all end? How can we ensure we’re on exactly the same page in relationships? Will courting couples end up filling out consent forms before sex? If so, casual sex could become very formal indeed.
But if autho rities do insist on consent forms, I feel I speak for all women when I say we’d like to add a few more clauses. Could we also get men to agree not to pee on play air guitar, have pet names for their penises, fiddle with the fridge thermostat for fun, snore, is a slur on masculinity, and sitting on the toilet a leisure activity? We’d also like men to agree in writing that ‘mutual orgasm’ is not an insurance company. And to find our G-spots without a list of edible berries and a compass.
God, apparently as a prank, d
