Columnist
‘Wrapping gifts? The very thought of it makes me want to garrotte myself with tinsel’
W hatdo mums secretly want for Christmas? Let’s be honest: it’s probably a ticket to a desert island, where Hugh Jackman licks caviar from your navel ‘neath a tropical palm. For us, the festive season is exhausting.
First, there’s all that frantic holly bedecking, eggnog whisking and writer’s cramping from the 2,000 Christmas cards you have to send.
Then there are the Haribo-fuelled kids’ fights, the desperate dashes to the shops for obscure presents for picky relatives, and the sleepless nights spent rustling up sheep costumes for the nativity play at the last minute (and no, the tinsel never bloody well sticks).
Is it any wonder that by Christmas Eve most mums have developed the demeanour, aching limbs and mood swings of a long-haul flight attendant?
How can any woman have a happy Christmas when she’s been up since dawn trying to arm-wrestle a naked turkey to stuff chestnuts up its various orifices? Especially if, like me, the kitchen is not your natural habitat. My gravy is such a lumpen disaster that I fear I’ll be arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
Well, this year I’ve vowed that my nerves won’t become more jangled than the reindeer bells on the plastic Santas sleighing across the mantelpiece. Here are my top tips for surviving Christmas.
Firstly, simplify your Christmas party. Want to know the best place to find Christmas spirit? In a bottle. Simply get guests tipsy, then hand out Santa hats with mistletoe sprigs attached.
Pretty soon they’ll be seeing double but feeling single. With visitors’ lips locked, they won’t even notice that you haven’t prepared any hors d’oeuvres.
My next gift to you involves wrapping. The very thought makes me want to garrotte myself with tinsel.
I once laid out the wrapping paper, then cut straight through the antique tablecloth that had been given to me by my mother-in-law. Needless to say, the wine cooler was not all that was frosty come Christmas Day. From now on I’m simply
