Life tools
If you’re brilliant at looking after others but not so great at self-care, it might be time to rebalance say psychologists Jess Baker and Rod Vincent
We all love to be helpful – it’s in our nature. You’ve probably already helped several people today without even thinking about it. Perhaps you made your partner’s breakfast, or ran an errand for a neighbour, made a cup of tea for a colleague or hugged a friend in need of support. When the headlines seem to be all about bad news, it can be reassuring to know that it’s a huge part of human nature to be loving, kind and compassionate – qualities that help us build relationships.
There’s plenty of scientific evidence to show that healthy helping can be good for you, releasing beneficial neurochemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. When it comes from compassion rather than compulsion, helping itself can be an act of self-care.
However, problems can arise when we are so focused on helping others that we forget to look after ourselves. So it’s worth taking a look at whether you are at risk from super-helper syndrome, where you help others and put your own needs at the bottom of the pile, to the detriment of your own wellbeing.
SOUND LIKE YOU?
Run through this checklist and ask yourself if you…
YES NO
✢ Always put the needs of others first.
✢ Try to help in every aspect of your life, not just family and friends but at work, volunteering, looking out for neighbours, doing random acts of kindness.
✢ Feel constantly on the alert for opportunities to help, spotting other people’s problems and leaping in.
✢ Don’t think about your own needs.
✢ Are the one everyone turns to for support.
✢ Look after your friends but seldom receive much in return.
✢ Feel guilty when you can’t help people.
✢ Regularly say things like, ‘Oh don’t worry about me, I’m fine.’
If you said yes to most of these, you could be a compulsive helper.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING A SUPER-HELPER?
The biggest concern is that it may be doing more harm than good. Without realising it, others may be exploiting you for your helping tendencies. Expending all that effort can leave you feeling constantly exhausted. If you’re struggling with all the demands put on you by yourself and others, you may become self-critical or feel resentful. These are signs you need to rethink. Not only is being super-helpful damaging to you, but it may be a negative experience for people you are trying to help. It’s possible they don’t always want your help, or they see you as interfering, and there’s a risk that you are creating unnecessary dependencies. These can be painful realisations to face up to.
WHY DO WE DO IT?
If you feel you’ve tipped into being a super-helper and want to
