Columnist
‘I’ve always had a yearning for breasts that arrive five minutes before I do’
Are you watching your weight? I am. In fact, I’m looking at it right now, bulging out there in front of me – alittle tootsie roll of tummy overlapping my jeans. Add in all that festive feasting and I’ll soon be able to apply for my plumber’s licence.
My stretch pants may now have stretch marks, but rather than making arduous New Year’s resolutions to swap toffee for tofu, perhaps we should simply strap on a corset? The success of blockbuster TV series Bridgerton and The Great has rekindled an interest in underwiring.
To be honest, I’ve always had a bit of bust lust too; a yearning for breasts that arrive about five minutes before I do. And so, venturing into a lingerie department, I pulled on a red satin bodice while a girlfriend tugged on the strings at the back. For extra leverage, she wedged one foot onto my posterior, enabling her to yank even harder. She tugged so tightly my neck got thicker. She didn’t stop until my breasts were cantilevered skyward by the rib-crushing corsetry. Glancing into the mirror, I was hoping to see Mae West looking back at me. But it just looked as though I’d grown a couple of spare double chins.
I was also gasping for air like a stranded goldfish. Worse, a rogue bone was digging into my bottom; which is not a sentence I ever thought I’d write. A woozy sensation came over me. I clutched my chum’s arm, fearing a fainting fit like a Victorian damsel about to be tied to a railroad track.
‘Help!’ I wheezed, asthmatically. Except no sound came out. All I could do was mime frantically that my air supply was being cut off. This is what it must feel like to have a heart attack during a game of charades. When my friend finally released the strings, I whooshed about the change room like a punctured party balloon.
Yes, the corset gave me an hourglass figure – but that hourglass turned back time. As I lay in a whimpering, panting heap, all I could think was: did Emily
Pankhurst chain herself to the railings for this? Non
