Agony aunt
‘My marriage of 30 years is over – but I don’t understand why, as I thought we were happy’
Q My husband has left me and wants a divorce. It came completely out of the blue – I thought we were happy, but he says we’ve grown apart and have become ‘boring’. I’m 62, we’ve been married for more than 30 years, the kids have left home and I can’t see how to carry on.
A Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. Sometimes, life sends us a massive curveball that rocks our world. Everything we’ve known that’s comfortable, familiar and secure gets ripped away – and that can feel like death. In many ways, what you’re experiencing is a very real bereavement. And I have no doubt that you’re living through a trauma.
I’m particularly concerned by the fact you can’t see how to carry on. Psychologists are well aware that our brains don’t process sudden traumatic events in the same way they do more everyday stresses, and that can make it more difficult for us to cope. You’ve been left feeling helpless to change a situation you didn’t ask for, which leads to anxiety and depression.
Then there’s the physical side of shock. The emotional strain releases the stress hormone cortisol, our heart rate increases, and our body is flooded with adrenaline. The part of the brain that ignites when you experience physical pain is the same that’s triggered when you’re emotionally betrayed. In other words, heartbreak hurts. It’s no surprise you feel so bleak, but while it may be hard to hear, I’m going to start with some practical facts that may help you put this into context.
The latest data tells us that between 2005 and 2015, the number of men aged 65 and over divorcing in England rose by 23%, while the number of women aged 65 and over divorcing increased by 38%. This is despite the fact that divorce in general in the UK is on the decline. You baby boomers always liked to buck the trend. Some couples can pinpoint the reason for their failing marriage, but often with ‘grey divorce’, there’s no major blowout (like infidelity for example) that has led to the decision for one partner to leave.
Instead, and to quote you, it can simply be that ‘we’ve grown apart’. After four decades of working, raising kids and leading a busy life, facing retirement and the empty nest syndrome can be a trigger for change in some people. Then, there’s the inevitability of ageing. Both you and your husband could live at least another 30 years so perhaps he’s wondering why he shou
