Columnist
‘It’s National Orgasm Day… let’s enjoy ourselves!’
The female orgasm is more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new, in-depth research (literally) has found that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a ‘wave’, a ‘volcano’ or an ‘avalanche’. James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience and psychology at Charles University in Prague, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release.
Now, I hate to peeve the Prof but I think I speak for most females when I say, who cares, as long as you’re having some. Orgasms are like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. According to Harvard analysis, women have one orgasm for every three racked up by men. As if unequal pay isn’t infuriating enough, females also suffer a pleasure gap.
And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax while flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.
The only women achieving a similar Big O rate as men are lesbians – no doubt because women understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning climaxes without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a relationship!
I do all my research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a husband does attempt foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It’s then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, ‘Just take the stairs.’
Many mums go off sex because we’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. If your hubby complains that you never suggest swapping positions, reply: ‘Sure… Why don’t you stand by the sink washing up, and I’ll lie on the couch watching telly.’
Men should understand that a female’s biggest bedroom fantasy involves her fella picking his undies up off the floor. A man in a cooking apron is also aphrodisiacal. What do most mums want in bed? Breakfast. But it’s important to keep having sex because it’s good for your me
