The honest truth
Nicky Wake shares her journey back to sexual confidence following the death of her husband, Andy
Having a relationship and sex with someone else when your soulmate has died is a huge hurdle. And finding myself single at 49 was not something I had ever imagined. I missed so many things about Andy – his cooking, curling up on the sofa together and the intimacy we shared.
When I cast my mind back to our first date in 2002, I remember him telling me the songs he wanted at his funeral. It wasn’t morbid or weird – just a sign of how well we hit it off from the start. What I didn’t realise then was how soon I’d be playing them.
Andy and I married 18 months after meeting, with our wedding in Jamaica, surrounded by family and friends. Our son Finn, now 17, was born in 2007, and we ran an events business together, with me travelling the world and Andy staying at home as house husband. He was John to my Yoko. We fitted perfectly.
Losing Andy
In 2017, Andy had a massive heart attack that left him brain-damaged and unable to walk. He was transferred from hospital to a nursing home, where he had 24-hour care until his death in 2020. Andy was 57 and I was just 49.
It was devastating – Imissed Andy in a million different ways. Not being able to hold him was one thing, but when you’ve shared your bed with someone for 20 years and suddenly they’re not there, there’s a gaping void. I joined the support charity Widowed and Young, and realised I wasn’t alone. Grief creates an empty feeling and it’s natural to want to fill that emptiness with physical comfort. For those who haven’t experienced it, there’s a welldocumented phenomenon called widow’s or widower’s fire, the desire for sex following bereavement.
In late 2020, friends encouraged me to sign up to some dating apps – it can feel a bit like the Wild West and I found it challenging at first. I made it clear I was a widow and not looking for a life partner – I’m not ready for that. This was about finding confidence and feeling empowered to enjoy sex again. I started messaging someone about 10 years older on Tinder, and though I knew he wasn’t my next soulmate, we got on brilliantly and arranged a date.
I wanted to make a real night of it, not just drinks but to be wined and dined, so I booked to stay in a five-star hotel, where we could have dinner. I had my hair done, bought a new dress and wore it with heels I could barely walk in! I needed to feel beautiful, like a woman again.
Getting naked
Looking in the mirror as I got ready, I was wracked with guilt thinking about Andy. I felt such a complex range of emotions. But we’d talked about moving on if one of us died, and we’d both said we would want the other to do that, so I
