Want your relationship to go the distance? Our expert tips will help keep the spark alive
WORDS: TANYA PEAREY.
From fireworks in the bedroom to care and support, we can all benefit from a long-lasting, loving relationship. But how do you keep it going? ‘Good communication is essential,’ says relationship expert Jonathan Taylor-Cummings*. ‘That includes building trust and respect and making each other feel valued and loved.’ Good sex plays a significant part, too. ‘Intimacy can bring you closer and strengthen yourpartnership – plus, sex can be great fun,’ adds sex therapist Alice Child**. And who doesn’t need more of that in their lives? Here’s how to keep your bond strong…
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1Stop shouting
Raise your voice and the listener stops listening to what you’re saying. They tend to only focus on your tone, which can trigger an attack or cause them to go into defence mode. It doesn’t mean you can’t be honest or say how you feel, says Jonathan. ‘But we don’t have to speak harshly even when we’re being direct.’ And always end any disagreement by restoring warmth to reconnect. That might be a hug, touch on the shoulder or simply an ‘Are you OK?’ ‘It’s about sending the message that you’re still loved, valued and respected,’ says Jonathan.
2Listen – really listen
In arguments, try to forget ‘winning’. Instead, focus on finding the best resolution for you both. ‘Most of us in a conflict situation do the selfish thing,’ says Jonathan. We look for the best ‘me’ outcome – coming out on top. Or we avoid confrontation altogether because it makes us feel uncomfortable. We need to seek the best ‘us’ outcome, where the relationship strengthens through well-managed conflict resolution.
That means taking the time to really listen to your partner’s point of view – and finding a way which works for you both.
3Don’t lay blame
‘Be curious, not critical,’ says Jonathan. Instead of saying, ‘You always…’ try to look beyond their actions and find out why your partner may have certain behaviour patterns and how you can respond to those. It’s important that both of you can share your feelings without being judged.
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