Lost that loving feeling? It’s easier than you think to keep the passion alive – however long you’ve been together!
WORDS: TANYA PEAREY
Sex life in a rut, but don’t have the energy or desire to change it? You’re not alone. ‘A lot of couples report a loss of libido in long-term relationships due to a lack of variety,’ says sex therapist Alice Child. But your love life doesn’t have to hit the skids. ‘Many couples describe losing “the spark”,’ adds Alice. ‘But when I get them to explore deeper what they’ve lost, it isn’t desire for each other, just the knowledge of how to trigger it.’ Here are our tips for relighting your fire – fast.
Get talking
Couples who can talk about intimacy are more likely to have an ongoing, happier sex life, says Alice. If you’re not communicating your likes and dislikes, how is your partner supposed to know how to keep you turned on? Find it tricky to start? ‘After any intimacy, get into the habit of asking your partner, “What was your favourite bit?” or “What do you fancy next?”’ says Alice. ‘No one is a mind reader, so talking about this is essential.’
Diarise
‘People think that scheduling sex takes the spontaneity and excitement out of it,’ says Alice. ‘But it absolutely doesn’t need to.’ The problem is that when life is so busy, if we don’t schedule it, it won’t happen, and the loss of such intimacy can spell the death knell to your relationship.
Experiment with a toy
They’re great for adding novelty and building excitement, says Alice. ‘They can be a very healthy, happy part of relationships – they’re a teammate rather than a rival. We need to get away from the thought that bringing a toy into the bedroom means your partner’s not doing something right.’ Talk to your partner about the sort of things they, and you, might like to try. And perhaps go shopping for titillating toys together.
Explore on your own…
Pleasuring yourself is a great way to discover what really turns you on – knowledge which you can pass onto your partner. ‘Start by focusing on your clitoris,’ says Alice. ‘Not many people realise, but about 85% of women need some form of external clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm.’
…but go easy on the vibes
‘I’m often asked if using a vibrator can desensitise you,’ says Alice. ‘While there’s no scientific evidence, you can become to
