When Rachel Williams, 51, lost her son, she wanted to fulfil his childhood wish…
Opening up a small plastic tub, I shake out some of the contents into the sea.
‘Go see the world, Jack,’ I whisper as my son’s ashes dance away in the wind.
I’m determined to help my boy see the world, just like he’d always wanted. Jack was just 16 when he took his own life, and not a day goes by when I don’t torture myself with what-ifs. What if I’d done more to support him? What if I’d checked in on him more? What if I’d left his dad sooner? Because I can’t help but blame my relationship with his dad for everything.
I’d lived in fear of Darren for years. My son, Josh, was two when we’d first met and, initially, Darren was a loving partner. But shortly after I fell pregnant with Jack, I noticed he had a bit of a temper. At seven months pregnant in January 1995, Darren and I had a row over something trivial and he gripped me by the throat until my lips turned blue.
He’d had a troubled childhood, so I excused his behaviour, thinking that if I showed him compassion, he’d get better.
Jack was born in March 1995, but Darren’s mood swings became more frequent.
He was never physical with the boys, but as they got older I tried my best to protect them if I sensed a row brewing, distracting them with games or films - Pirates of the Caribbean was Jack’s favourite.
‘When I grow up I’m going to buy a boat and travel the world,’ he’d tell me. We nicknamed him Jack Sparrow.
Darren didn’t try to hide his temper in front of anyone, including the boys. He’d chuck apples at my head or swear at me in front of the neighbours. He’d hit me and pull me round by my hair. He was 6ft 7in and 22st, everyone was too frightened to stand up to him. I hated that the boys were witnessing Darren’s violent outbursts and I often worried how it might impact them in the future. I tried to leave, but Darren was so manipulative. ‘There’s only one way out and that’s in a coffin,’ he’d say.
I felt forced to marry him in December 2005 when Josh was 14 and Jack was 10. Over the years, the abuse continued and in July 2011, when Jack was 16, we had another row.
Darren put his hands around my neck and started shaking me. Hearing the commotion, Jack came running in with a baseball bat while Josh called 999.
‘Get off her,’ Jack shouted at him, angry but frightened.
