You can still be caring, but simple boundaries will benefit your health
Always looking after the grandkids? Constantly doing things for others? Suspect people are taking advantage of your helpfulness? Women’s nurturing nature means that many of us are ‘people pleasing’ – we tend to stretch ourselves for others at the cost of our own health and wellbeing.
‘Women have been raised to believe that if we’re kind, helpful and supportive we’ll be an asset to society and more likely to be liked,’ says Co-Active transformation coach Aisling Gray*. ‘But while looking after others can be very rewarding, kindness without boundaries leads to depletion.’
If you’re an eternal people pleaser you might not realise when you’ve reached your limit – here’s how to spot the signs so you can take back control.
STOP THE SNOWBALL EFFECT
Feel like you agree to do one kind thing – like baking a few cakes for the school fair – only to find you’re suddenly running the stall? Often, acts of kindness can snowball, until we can’t – or don’t know how to – stop. ‘Once you’re used to saying “yes” and doing things for others it becomes difficult to say “no” – and people might take advantage,’ says mindset coach Catherine Baudino***. ‘But ignoring or suppressing your own needs can lead to resentment and you’re likely to end up feeling anger towards the people you were trying to show kindness to in the first place.’ Noticing this is the first step to making a change.
CHECK YOUR MOTIVATION
How does the level of kindness that you’re showing to others serve you? If the act itself fills your cup, carry on. But if it’s for another reason – pleasing someone, wanting to be liked or validating yourself in some way – take time to reflect on why.
‘People pleasing goes beyond simple kindness, because at its core it means that we are editing our lives for the sake of someone else’s feelings, which erodes our self-esteem, confidence and our ability to show up fully in the world,’ says sobriety coach Gill McKay****. ‘The first step in truly being kind to others is learning to be kind to yourself, and boundary-setting is the ultimate act of self-care.’ Read on to find out how.
68%OF WOMEN SAY THEY OFTEN PUT OTHERS’ NEEDS FIRST AT THE EXPENSE OF THEIR OWN**.
You’re giving too much if you...
■ Want to help people out so they like you.
■ Feel exhausted, overstretched or burnt out.
■ Always get asked to do things by the same people.
