When someone you love is having fertility struggles, it’s hard to know what to say. To help, WH gathered advice from experts and the women who’ve been there
It’s so isolating. Speak to someone who’s experienced pregnancy loss or infertility and this is the phrase you’ll hear. Regardless of the specifics of your situation, so much can feel, well, gone: your control, how you thought life would look, trust in your body, a pregnancy, a baby.
It’s the reason there’s a case for approaching fertility challenges, as well as pregnancy and perinatal loss, through a grief lens, says Dvora Entin, a specialist in perinatal and reproductive mental health.
And yet, while we tend to sit with people’s pain in other areas of life – attending funerals, for example – too often these specific types of struggles are met with a flood of inappropriate, unempathetic responses: ‘you’ll get pregnant again’; ‘at least you have another child’; and the mother of all ill-advised responses, ‘this happened for a reason’. Loss is often invalidated, which compounds feelings of aloneness. ‘People can wind up thinking, I’m not going to tell anyone about this because no one is going to get it,’ says Entin.
One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage*, while one in seven couples has difficulty conceiving, according to the NHS. So, yes, fertility issues are common – and so is not knowing the sensitive and thoughtful words to say to a loved one experiencing them. With that in mind, we spoke to perinatal mental health professionals and people who have faced infertility issues to lead you through the waters.
DO Say ‘I’m here’
Erin Erenberg, co-founder of activism organisation Chamber of Mothers and a mother-ofthree, recalls ‘something very specific’ a friend said to her that meant the world. That something? ‘Losing a baby is a very lonely kind of loss. I’m here if you want to talk.’ ‘Those words rang so true,’ says Erin. Simply communicating to someone who is suffering that you’re there helps them know they don’t have to retreat with their pain, says Tiffany Conyers, a psychotherapist who has experienced miscarriage and lost a son, Miles, in 2020.
DON’T Use platitudes
Telling someone they’re a ‘superstar’ or saying, ‘I don’t know how you do it,’ are no-nos. Phrases such as these minimise the experience when it isn’t a choice. When someone says, ‘You’re amazing,’ it also closes the door to vulnerability, says Entin. The individual might be less inclined to tell you that they’re having a horrible day or couldn’t stop crying yesterday at work. Instead, acknowledge their strengths. Try, ‘You’re showing courage in deciding to do fertility preservation,’ or ‘I know this process takes a lot out o
