James McCreet applies his forensic criticism to the beginning of a reader’s manuscript
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Michael O’Hanlon took up writing to pass away the time when on patrol serving in Her Majesty’s Submarine service. On leaving the Royal Navy he completed a creative writing course, and has had short stories broadcast on local radio and published in magazines. Out is his first novel and he is already writing the sequel. At first glance1 the prison cell seemed to be un-occupied.2 There were no photographs, pictures or pinups stuck to the walls.3 No letters from family or loved ones lying on the small table.4
In the corner of the cell.5 Not even a book to read to pass away the time.6 There was no sign of anyone trying to make it more inhabitable.7 But the cell wasn’t empty.8
It had been occupied by an innocent man for the last seven years.9 And today he was being released.10
Malloy knew that it was exactly six thirty. That was the time the cell light came on and the guards began banging on the cell bars to wake everyone.11 As they had done every single morning since his arrival at Blake Moor prison.12
“Come on Malloy. I know you are getting out today but you haven’t gone yet.”13
“OK, Mr Spader. I’m awake.14 I don’t want to be late this morning of all mornings.15 I was just finishing my prayers.” 16
“Prayers, my arse.” He heard the guard mutter and laugh17 as he moved along the tier banging on all the doors. But Malloy was telling the truth.18 Every morning since he had been locked up19 he had started the day with his daily mantra.20 It was just one line he repeated: “I’m going to have you two Bastards. Beleive me.21
Malloy stared up at the light bulb which now lit up22 his cell and banished any hope of privacy.23 He remembered on his arrival the medical orderly had whispered in his ear during his medical.24
“If you want to top yourself by breaking the light bulb and cutting your wrists25 remember to cut along the vein and not across it.26 It will be harder to stop the bleeding and you will die quicker.”27
1 Since this is a subordinate clause, we’d typically have a comma after ‘glance’, though I always advise writers to consider why they begin with such a clause when the main clause is the one with the focus. The alternative is sharper, I think: The prison cell seemed to be unoccupied at first glance.
2 Not sure we need a hyphen in ‘un-occupied’. It’s a pretty common prefix.
3 How are we differentiating pictures, photographs and pinups (note the spelling)? It seems a redundant classification system.
4 It’s not a grammatical sentence, but such things are permissible for emphasis. More worrying is the criteria for occupation, whose primary consideration would pre
