‘pick up my ass…’

Chris Pascoe CONFESSIONS OF A CAT SITTER

With Halloween upon us, I thought I’d recount a very spooky cat visit. Of course, while cat-sitting, involving as it does, stroking cats, isn’t normally seen as frightening (apart from the litter trays), it does have its moments, and the following visit was one of the strangest. In truth, it wasn’t even a visit, but rather a pre-visit, whereby I nip round a customer’s house to receive a list of unreasonable demands about things like exactly how their V.I.F. (very important feline) would like his prawns served in the morning.

I arrived at the house just as light was fading, one drizzly evening and found it to be impersonating the Marie Celeste. The Marie Celeste, of course, was a ship found adrift, completely devoid of crew. There were no signs of struggle or storm, and unfinished meals were on the table, but the ship was completely empty. It remains one of the great maritime mysteries, and my customers’ house displayed some eerie similarities.

The front door was wide open, but nobody except the resident cat Myka was to be seen. Myka and I walked slowly down the darkened hallway, glancing at one another tentatively (well, I was tentative, I think Myka was just wondering if I was going to feed him). As we stepped into the lounge, I couldn’t help feeling this resembled an episode of Scooby Doo, only with a foot high cat rather than a 7-foot dog. Suddenly, the Alexa home assistant, announced, “Here’s your reminder - pick up my ass”. Okay, that was odd, but given that my somewhat elderly customers had once mentioned a total inability to control Alexa, not altogether surprising. I listened as Alexa repeated her reminder, just to check I hadn’t misheard. Sadly, I hadn’t.

I touched the kettle - very recently boiled, but no hot drinks anywhere. I headed slowly upstairs, feeling edgy but comforted by Myka staying by my side the entire way. We looked around all the silent rooms, Myka sniffing every corner, possibly for clues. Baffling��