advice
Counsellor Kate Medlin answers your personal, sexual and emotional problems
Will Dad ruin my wedding?
Q My parents haven’t spoken to me for four years because my fiancé doesn’t meet with their approval for various reasons, all nonsense as far as I’m concerned. But it’s been hard to feel like I’m disappointing them, even though, logically, I know I’m not doing anything wrong. He is a wonderful man, reliable, loyal, loving, kind, and I’ve always known that they would like him if they just got over their prejudices. We got engaged last month and my brother had a go at them and told them that they are missing out on so much for such silly reasons. They got in touch, agreed to meet us both and it seemed to go well. My mum seems to be thrilled that we’re back in touch, but my dad was always the problem. He’s been fine so far, and we’ve even discussed the idea of them coming to the wedding. But now I’m worrying about whether my dad will ruin the day. I just can’t imagine it all going smoothly and him not causing a scene. Can I tell them they’re not invited?
A
Parents who have very rigid views for their children about what’s acceptable are often being driven by their own fears. They genuinely believe that deviating from their chosen path, will lead to disaster. It is such a shame that your parents have wasted four years because of their inability to be more f lexible and open to the idea that “different” doesn’t necessarily mean “wrong”. In terms of your wedding, I think it’s important to recognise that it would probably be damaging to the peace process if you were to deny them access. I can understand why you might feel entitled to do so and you might even be wondering whether they deserve to be there! But I’m a great believer in trying to take the high road wherever possible. Try to hold in mind that if
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He wants me to choose him over the kids
Q My husband has been in a mood with me because he asked me who I love more – him or the kids? To be honest, it’s the kids without question. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and hesitated, mumbling something about loving the whole family. But he knew that I wasn’t being truthful, and he’s been sulking with me ever since. Our three children are still young and take up a lot of my time and energy, and I know that sometimes there isn’t a lot left over for him. What should I have said?
AA parents’ love for their child is very different from the love you feel for a life partner. I think the more important question to consider is why is your husband asking this question, especially if it’s likely that, on some level, he already knows the answer. My guess is that, like many fathers with young children, he’s feeling a little neglected. As you’ve said, there are only
