Life in my body
Sandeep, 33, from London, attempted to take her own life after struggling with her mental health since childhood. This World Suicide Prevention Day, she shares her story to help others find hope
I’ve always been ‘the chubby girl’. I’m a foodie, the first in line for a slice of cake at a party or refilling my plate with the leftovers. As a child, I didn’t really think about being overweight, until comments from other people put the idea on to my radar. Whispered remarks at family gatherings turned into pointed fingers, laughter and stares at school – the snide comments stuck in my mind like hot syrup.
That’s when my troubled relationship with my body really started. When I was 10 years old, I started stealing my mum’s home-workout videos and keeping track of every single calorie I consumed. I’m Sikh Punjabi and being skinny can be seen as beautiful in my culture, so I constantly benchmarked myself against this ideal. Soon, my fixation with the way I looked manifested into body dysmorphic disorder and then obsessive compulsive disorder. I would spend so many hours scrutinising my appearance, counting my ribs and trying to make myself look even smaller by hunching my shoulders over and then sucking my tummy in.
I withdrew. I built myself a bubble and filled it with my obsession. I didn’t realise I had a problem until my mid-twenties, two decades on from when my fixation began. My dad sat me down and said he’d noticed what had been happening. My parents made me a doctor’s appointment, and I went along, but coming to terms with being mentally unwell was overwhelming. The bubble I’d created had burst and I struggled to face reality. Most difficult of all was the guilt I felt for neglecting my family because I’d been so preoccupied with my body image, weight and eating. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was a burden on them.
On 29 August 2014, just a few months after that chat with my dad, I woke up with this heavy feeling, a dark cloud hanging over me. That’s when I tried to take my life. After that, things moved quickly and I went into private therapy just days later. In my sessions, I learned how to identify, manage and challenge my emotions safely through cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is all about reframing your mindset. Our minds are like computers ��
