Inputting boundaries, embracing the word ‘no’ and quiet quitting may all help us feel more in control, but when does self-care become… selfish?
Just last month, I came a hair’s breadth from bailing on my friend Catherine’s hen party at the eleventh hour. I had initially been thrilled to be invited – but as the date approached, my anxiety loomed. The thought of the long train journey, the awkward small talk with people I didn’t know, the cost – it all made me feel uneasy. What if I couldn’t make good conversation? What if no one liked me? And what if I had to watch her play Mr and Mrs while feigning interest in what her fiancé’s ‘most annoying habit’ might be? It was so far from my comfort zone. Cancelling would surely be a win for self-care, with me taking control of my life and putting boundaries in place… right?
As I typed, deleted and then re-typed my message to Catherine, I confided in another friend about my dilemma. She said that to let Catherine down on such an important event so last minute would be rude. (Note to self: cancel earlier next time!) That by not going I would be giving in to my own selfish needs. Her response was a blunt wake-up call. I went to the hen. And when I arrived, Catherine was thrilled to see me. In fact, the whole weekend was great – Ineedn’t have worried. She later revealed her own anxieties that no one would turn up to the event she’d spent so long planning. I was so glad I hadn’t let her down.
In considering bailing, I had been responding to the clarion calls of social media self-care gurus, who endorse setting boundaries and living life on our own terms. The hashtag #SelfCare has more than 30bn views on TikTok, with #boundaries at 2bn and #cancelplans at 9m. Under the hashtag #notleavingthehouse, users comically rejoice in cancelling on friends and opting to stay in. I scroll past hundreds of cute and colourful illustrations on Instagram on a daily basis, which affirm things like, ‘It’s okay to cancel plans,’ and, ‘Embrace the word no.’ So is there any wonder my immediate instinct was to cancel? And look, boundaries and self-care are incredibly important when used wisely. But in putting ourselves first, how often are we truly exercising a much-needed safeguarding of our mental health, as opposed to just being a bit, well, lazy?
This ‘looking out for number one’ attitude has even seeped into the world of work, where the age of going the extra mile is well and truly over. Last year, the concept of ‘quiet quitting’ went viral on TikTok which, in case you missed it, refers to employees choosing to prioritise their personal lives over pleasing their bosses. There were more than 1.2m Google searches worldwide for the phrase some months, with us Brits accounting for 12% of these.
American TikToker @saraisthreads summed up the t
