Point of view
SUSAN CALMAN
She’s tried counting sheep, relaxing herbal teas and earplugs, but nothing can guarantee a good night’s sleep for our columnist
I’ve never been a great sleeper (understatement of the century) and I’ve always been very jealous of friends who can sleep for eight hours or more. Or six. Or even two! I often find myself at silly o’clock mopping the floor and cleaning just for something to do. It’s more than just an annoyance, of course: mental and physical health can be severely affected by lack of sleep, as I know all too well. But whenever I tell people, they will inevitably make a well-meaning suggestion. ‘Have you tried this?’ they’ll exclaim as they narrate a potential cure to me, while I slowly nod and weep inside.
Many of my problems started in childhood (don’t they all?). I have very vivid dreams, and because of watching horror films at a young age (not my parents’ fault, I tend to ignore clear instructions even if for my own good) had many years of nightmares. The solution was to keep my bedroom door ajar (I avoid saying I have an open-door policy in my bedroom for obvious reasons). Also, as the youngest child, I had the smallest room (very Harry Potter) and no curtains (the window was very high up and we’re a very short family). So, my baseline requirements to even attempt to sleep are a wedged door and half-drawn curtains.
I can’t sleep if it’s too hot or too cold; if the pillow is too soft or too hard. I’m aware that I’m living out a real-life Goldilocks And The Three Bears, but I’ve tried to change. I’ve counted endless sheep and, when that didn’t work, the whole farmyard. In fact, I’ve spent more time on mathematical calculations than I did at school.
One of the theories that’s been suggested about my struggle to sleep is that perhaps there’s too much going on in my head. And so, the advice was to keep a notebook on my bedside table to jot down worries or things I must do. It worked to a certain extent. Except there’s little more terrifying than waking up in the morning only to find I’d written ‘macaroni aeroplane’ or ‘rapid-fire Garibaldi machine’. I seem to dream a lot about food. And to relax before bed I’ve tried every type of night-time beverage. From herbal teas to hot chocolates to mushroom broths, they’ve had little effect apart from making me
