A cancer diagnosis can feel isolating even if you have support from friends and family, but unfortunately, some people find their circle grows smaller during this time. We spoke to the experts about the increasing phenomena
WORDS | Stacey Carter
A cancer diagnosis can be difficult to come to terms with, not just for the person receiving the news, but for their friends and family as well. While we’d like to think that our loved ones would rally around us during this time, research shows that this isn’t always the case. In a survey carried out by War On Cancer, a social networking app for cancer survivors (waroncancer.com) 65 percent of respondents said that friends or relatives had disappeared or cut contact after their diagnosis. Experts have termed this phenomenon as ‘cancer ghosting’ – something that can be incredibly hurtful and isolating for the person impacted by cancer. But, according to the experts, the reason that people drift away is more nuanced than you might think.
EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES
If you’re already familiar with the concept of ‘ghosting’ – when someone removes themselves from your life by cutting you out or by disappearing altogether – then you’ll know that it can be a painful experience for those on the receiving end of being ‘ghosted’. “Cancer ghosting can crop up for a variety of reasons,” says Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and author of The Grief Collective. “But commonly it happens for reasons such as:
• Assuming there are other closer people better placed to support that person.
• Not wanting to upset or remind them of their diagnosis.
• Struggling to manage fears or anxieties.
• Ruminating on previous loss or health events of loved ones.
• Not knowing what to say or do, so choosing to do nothing out of fear.
Often, the person being ghosted will have no idea why their friend or family member has removed themselves from their life. But, as Dr Trent explains, learning about a cancer diagnosis can cause a variety of difficult emotions to bubble up, some of which that person might have never had to have to deal with before. “When a loved one receives a cancer diagnosis, many of our reactions feature some of the key stages also seen in grief, such as shock, disbelief, bargaining, depression and acceptance,” says Dr Trent.
“However, sometimes it can be so hard to assimilate this news, especially if it stirs up past trauma, that they mentally put up barriers.” For some, finding out that a friend or a family member has cancer can cause them to reflect on their own life and mortality. “A cancer diagnosis might also cause people to rank their perceived level
