HOW DO YOU NAVIGATE SOBRIETY OVER THE FESTIVE SEASON? WRITER BRYONY GORDON EXPLAINS HOW SHE OVERCAME DECADES OF ALCOHOLISM AND IS LOOKING FORWARD TO HER FIFTH CHRISTMAS WITHOUT DRINKING
‘I never thought I was an alcoholic. To me, that was a man on a bench drinking from a bottle in a paper bag, or someone who woke up in the morning and wanted to drink immediately. But I wasn’t like that. I had rules around alcohol, and I thought this meant I had it under control. For example, I wouldn’t drink until my daughter, Edie, was asleep. But I slowly realised that even if I wasn’t drinking all the time, I was thinking about drinking all the time.
‘Ever since I’d discovered alcohol at the age of 14, it felt like a fantastic coping mechanism. I’ve had obsessive compulsive disorder from a young age, so alcohol became my way of dealing with life. Once I started, I couldn’t stop and that went on for decades. By my 30s, I drank everything – beer, wine, champagne. I knew I was going to die, either by falling down a flight of stairs drunk, or by choosing to take my own life, or by continuing to live in this Groundhog Day existence, which felt like the worst outcome of all.’
The first step to change
‘In August 2017, after one bender too many – when I’d invariably switch off my phone so my husband couldn’t reach me, and wake up full of remorse the following afternoon in a friend’s flat – I finally chose to stop drinking. That makes it sound simple, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I went into rehab which I finished in December the same year. I remember my counsellor saying, “You’re going out into the most ‘drinky’ time of year.” But I called December “Amateurs’ Month”, because everyone would be going for it and I’d say, “Where have you been for the rest of the year? Where were you in January with all that ‘dry January’ stuff?”
‘But yes, it was hard being sober that Christmas, but it wasn’t any tougher than the alternative; not as hard as those days when I would be paralysed with self-loathing. I remember going to a Christmas party that year and everyone was very sweet, offering me elderflower cordial and stuff.’
Making the right choices
‘This will be my fifth sober Christmas and I’ve learned a few things along the way. You need to choose the right socialising for you. I don’t really want to hang out with people who drink in the way that I used to drink. It’s about remembering that your choice is important to you and doing whatever you can to stick to it.
