As someone who has been a social worker, mother, wife and divorcee I have been around the block a few times. I’m humbled to answer your questions and feel that if a problem can be shared it can be halved – at the very least.
Celebrity agony aunt Helen Lederer gives you her heartfelt advice every week
Don’t My In-Laws Value Me At All?
My beloved mother-in-law recently gave my husband £500 and told him to make sure he spends it on himself. We’ve been married seven years and dated for five before that! I’m quite upset that she basically said not to spend it on me – or us. I feel it’s implied that we don’t make enough or that I’m just the greedy wife spending his hard earned cash.
This has left a nasty taste in my mouth, feeling that somehow we’re not considered a unit by my in-laws. Is my place in the family not valued? Why wouldn’t she realise that this could be hurtful?
This gift from your mother-in-law seems to have hit you very hard. You call her “beloved”, which on the one hand is a lovely, positive relationship to enjoy and nurture – but on the other hand it has led to you feeling particularly left out right now.
You seem to have ruminated on this “directive” from her and spiralled down into despair, which is to be avoided.
None of your fears about your status as “greedy wife” and so on have been expressed by either your husband or your mother-in-law, so it’s best to relegate those fears to fantasy!
However, it is difficult when someone you respect and have known for at least seven years does something that you experience as insensitive. Let’s try to look at it in a different way – a way that challenges the assumption your mother-in-law is actively undermining you – and help to take away the perceived sting.
Are you able to stand back and consider that this ��
