The four steps to contentment that every therapist wants you to know
Self-compassion is your most powerful skill. ‘If I could give people one tool for emotional wellbeing, it would be self-compassion,’ says Owen O’Kane.
It’s so important, he explains, ‘because you can try all of the self-help techniques in the book, but if you haven’t learned to treat yourself and talk to yourself in a way that’s compassionate and kind, they don’t come with any substance.’
Compassion isn’t just about kind words, it must include action, says O’Kane. Which means asking yourself, ‘How am I going to look after myself, which people am I going to surround myself with, and what choices am I going to make to serve me well?’ If you think that sounds difficult, O’Kane insists it shouldn’t have to be. ‘You are kind and compassionate with your kids and your friends and family, so you already have the skills to behave that way with yourself.’
To understand how self-criticism can affect you, psychologist Dr Meg Arroll suggests trying this mental exercise: ‘Imagine you’ve made a mistake – a very small one, but your partner or boss is yelling at you. Really shouting and chastising you for something that was relatively minor. How do you feel? Is your heart racing and pounding, tummy tight, and breath shallow? This stress response is the opposite of the rest-and-digest calm state, and for many people, this is what happens in their minds all day, every day.’ By being more compassionate with yourself, Dr Arroll says you’re less likely to trigger the innate stress response and, instead, remain in a calm physiological state.
Emotions are messengers – don’t ignore them
Throughout any day, we will experience many different emotions – but we tend to latch onto the positive ones and try to push down or ignore the emotions we perceive to be negative. ‘We all want to feel happy, content, satisfied and loved,’ says O’Kane, ‘but the other emotions that weave in and out, such as sadness, disappointment, fear and anger, are also powerful and helpful.’ He advises trying to become the observer of your emotions, listening to what they’re trying to tell you. When you feel a strong emotion, pause, catch a breath, and pull back momentarily: ‘That way, you’re giving yourself the option of thinking, “I’m going down this route and what does this mean? What is this emotion communicating to me? Is it trying to slow me down, or make me re-evaluate or look at something from a different perspective?”’
Dr Arroll agrees: ‘When we become comfortable with the wide range of human emotions, we’re much more likely to allow unsettling ones to pass and not become overwhelming,’ she says.
Happiness isn’t dependent on success
How many times have you thought, ‘I’ll be happy when I have more money, a better job, a bi
